Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
