Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
