Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
