she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
