Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
