he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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