Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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