Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize