Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
