Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize