So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
