if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
