Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
