I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize