the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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