So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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