Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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