Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
