I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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