she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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