We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize