A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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