Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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