Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
