I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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