The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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