Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
