I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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