there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize