Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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