When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
