The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
