I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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