You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
