I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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