I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
