she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
