Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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