Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
