i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
