He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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