So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
