she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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