my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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