then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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