T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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