Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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