I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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