i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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