I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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