My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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