Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
