I can't watch pbs sober anymore
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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