We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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