addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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