I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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