blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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