I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
