Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
