I'm jealous of your bromance
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
