I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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