why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
