If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
