You smell like a Billy Joel song
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
