I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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