my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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