He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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