I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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