so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
