i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
whose parrot is this?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
