just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize