I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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